March 19, 2012

The Pain

Saturday and Sunday, I was emotionally numb.  Today everything is raw.  My senses are heightened.  I'm experiencing great joy and great pain. 

At the grocery store this morning, my girls and I saw the most beautiful little baby - about 5 months old - I have ever seen.  She looked like a chubby little baby doll with the most perfectly shaped nose and triangular lips.  She was adorable. 

A friend announced that she and her husband are expecting again.  She has had two miscarriages in the past year.  We've talked a little bit through our hurt.  When I read her announcement, I was thrilled for her.  I cried tears of joy. 

But then the hurt set in.  I would have been 36 weeks and 3 days now.

When my daughter woke up from her nap, I hugged her hard.  

Today, the sun was shining bright.  The sky was blue with big, fluffy white clouds. 

In honor of the feast of St. Joseph, I made a flourless chocolate cake with mind cacao.  It was delicious.

As I was making dinner tonight, my abdomen (endometriosis) was hurting.  I thought for a few seconds, I need to call Grandma; she'll understand."  My grandma died last November.  That was the first time I lapsed about her not being here.

Still, I'd rather feel like I have today than like I did yesterday.